Never was a Cornflake Girl…

I have left the posts that were not password-protected on here, and will keep them up for a week or so…

But after that, this blog is gone.  Comment/message/email me for the new link.

A few weeks ago I went to eat at Pap’s in Ackerman for the first time.  My kids were with me and the place was plastered with Elvis and Jesus.  Dawg didn’t mention Jesus, but pointed to a picture and said, “Elvis!!” and I thought that was funny.  So I thought it was neat and began to wonder who my kids could identify.  I also interviewed them.  Here’s a synopsis of the interview and the pictures I got them to look at.

I questioned Bug first, with Dawg out of the room, and then we moved the interview outside to question Dawg, and Bug was instructed not to make suggestions to him, so each kid’s answers are unbiased by his or her sibling’s answers.  I’m going to try not to type with Dawg’s speech impediment when I think it will hinder you from understanding what he’s saying.  To put this in perspective, my kids will be seven (Bug) and four (Dawg) next month.

Me: What’s your favorite thing to eat?
Bug: Ice cream, vanilla with chocolate on it.
Dawg: Trawberries and bananas and apples and bananas and chicken and turkey and grapes and chips and sammiches and that’s all.

M: What’s your favorite movie?
B: Peter Pan, Enchanted, Princess Diaries II, Cars, I like a lot of movies, I can’t name them all.
D: Transformers and Wall E.  That’s all, can I go now?

M: What’s your favorite tv show?
B: Suite Life of Zach and Cody and Hannah Montana
D: Max and Ruby

M: Favorite book?
B: Oh my gosh… books about Presidents like Ghosts of the White House and any Junie B. Jones book
D: Max and Ruby: Max Makes a Mess

M: What’s your favorite music or songs?
B: The Best of Both Worlds by Hannah Montana, Tim McGraw
D: Transformers
M: Transformers isn’t a song, Dawg, what do you like to listen to?
D: I’m tired of this.  Ugh.  Ummm…. I like Icky Thump and The Yummy Yummy song [Ohio Express’s Yummy Yummy Yummy] and the Max and Ruby song.

M: What’s your favorite thing to do?
B: Play outside
D: Draw and books

M: Where’s your favorite place to go?
B: Chuck E. Cheese and the Memphis Children’s Museum
D: The Children’s Museum

M: What do you like best about school?
B: We read a lot of books and I like P.E. and music
D: Playin and dey let me watch t.b. and we have lots of books

M: Who’s your best friend?
B: Abby and Aliah
D: Mommy
M: But who’s your best friend at school?
D: Woody
M: Dawg, Woody’s not real.  Who’s a real person who’s your best friend?
D: Samantha and Reese

M: Who’s your boyfriend or girlfriend?
B: Shadeed [a little black Muslim boy, LOL]
D: Samantha.  I mean Reese.
M: Which one?
D: Reese.  And Samantha.

M: What’s your favorite thing about Mommy?
B: I like snuggling with you.
D: Mommy lubbin me

M: What’s your favorite thing about Daddy?
B: He plays with me outside a lot.
D: Daddy lubbin me.

M: What’s your favorite thing about your brother/sister?
B: He’s cute and he’s my little brother and I like picking out his clothes and getting him dressed.
D: Nonnie lubbin me and bein my friend

M: What do you wanna be when you grow up?
B: A teacher or an artist, I haven’t decided.
D: Shakin my booty! [demonstrates]
M: [gives Dawg a look]
D: I mean Pop, I wanna be Pop [my dad]

M: What is something you hate?
B: Sleeping, I don’t like going to sleep.
D: I hate your tinky tar [car], you mell dood but your tar tinks!

M: What do you wish you were old enough to do?
B: Go on a roller coaster with you
D: Pick up garbage

M: What’s your favorite holiday?
B: Christmas and Easter, because I like getting presents and looking for eggs
D: Playin outside
M: That’s not a holiday.
D: Yes it is.

M: What do you want for your birthday?
B: I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it.  I would probably want, like, my own library.  I want a lot of books.  Oh, and I need a new bike.
D: Transformers and Power Rangers.
M: You already have a lot of Transformers.
D: I don’t have all of dem, and I wanna tollect dem like Nonnie and her ‘nowglobes.

M: What is your favorite thing to say?
B: Nuke it and nuts! [?]
D: I love Mommy!

M: What is something you’re looking forward to?
B: My birthday!
D: Tryin to find some leaves.

M: What is one wish you’d make if you saw a shooting star right now?
B: I would wish Dawg was as tall as me.
M: Why?
B: I dunno.
D: I would wish for a weeter [sweeter] Nonnie. [receives ugly look from his sister]

Picture portion:

The kids correctly identified Bumblebee and Optimus Prime, Max and Ruby, and both of them knew Ronald McDonald was the “McDonald’s clown”.  Here are the ones they had a little more trouble with, and their responses:

Miley CyrusBug: Miley Cyrus
Dawg: Mommy!  Is that you?

billy_ray_cyrus_59591Bug: Miley’s dad!
Dawg: Hannah’s dad!

beatlesBug: The Beatles?
Dawg: I don’t know dem.

I don’t know.  God?  I don’t know.
Me: It’s Jesus.
Bug: Oh, well, close.
Me: Why is that close?
Bug: I don’t know.
Me: Who is Jesus?
Bug: I don’t know.
Dawg: I don’t know him, is he a firefighter?

o005-buddha-w-beads-jadeBug: It’s Buddha!
Dawg: I dunno.

barack-obamaBug: Oh that’s easy, that’s Barack Obama.
Dawg: That’s dee President of dee Unided Tates of Amerida, his name is Tim McGraw.

bill1Bug: Larry King?
Dawg: Nanny McPhee?

cooperandersonbBug: I don’t know.
Dawg: Tim McGraw

michelle-obamaBug: Mahlia and Sasha aaaaaand…. Michelle.
Dawg: I don’t know dem people.

president-george-w-bushBug: George Bush
Dawg: Tim McGraw

tim-mcgrawBug: Mmm, Tim McGraw
Dawg: I dunno, Hannah Montana’s dad?  He has hair on his body just like Daddy.

I went to Earnestine and Hazel’s last night.  It is without a doubt my favorite dive in Memphis.  I regret not taking Amanda when she was up there.  They have the BEST jukebox in the city, lots of blues, soul, motown, old school rock, of course Elvis and The Beatles.  I love their jukebox and they sell Red Stripe.  What more could you want??

So I go to the jukebox to add something to the queue.  It’s broken.  Well, it’ll play but you can’t see what you’re playing, you can’t shuffle through the music.  So I just start putting in numbers.

Very first one I put on, I put my “favorite” number, if I can be said to have a favorite, and that’s 22.  My friend in high school, Tron, he always said there was something special about the number 2 (it was his jersey number).  It’s also my birthday and growing up, two of my bffs were also born on the 22nd.  So I put in 22 for the cd number and then I have to pick a track.  I’ve always had this thing, ever since cds were available to middle class kids like me, about #7 on a cd.  I just noticed pretty quickly that I always liked track 7.  So I type in “2207“.  I put in a couple other random numbers and then the bartender, a cool older woman who loves to sing and dance, yells out to me, “Hey, I know that jukebox.  Whatcha wanna hear, I may know it.”

I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to hear.  “Etta James,” I said.  She nodded.  “Good choice, I know that cd.  What song you wanna hear?”  I knew the exact song I had in mind as well.  It’s sexy and it reminds me of Earnestine and Hazel’s and my favorite fantasy that is set there.  “You Can Leave Your Hat On,” I replied, hoping she’d know it but doubting her memory.  I shouldn’t have.  She rolled off the number right away.  “Twenty-two oh-seven.”  She said.

Well I’ll be damned.

You Can Leave Your Hat On by Etta James

Click the link to listen, if you like.

LMFAO this is the town where my husband went to high school (but not the school; he went to the academy there).

Superbowl Sunday has always been an okay day for me.  I think it’s because I remember many many years ago that Superbowl Sunday was the day I learned I could have an orgasm with a man.  You girls totally know what I’m talking about.  Like, when you started having sex, wasn’t it like you could enjoy sex, but you only got off masturbating?  I’m sure this is not just me, because I know some people it takes much much longer to be able to get off with their boyfriends/husbands.

I learned this when I was pretty young I guess, I dunno.  I don’t what age a person “should” learn things.  But ever since then, nothing can really get me down around Superbowl Sunday.  In college I remember driving back up to Louisville from Decatur to party with Jeff E. on SS and we shot tequila at his uncle’s.  Chris McMullen was there.  And no one from EC was… it was like a nice little break from EC drama and madness.  Another good SS memory.

I hate football.  And pretty much like every other televised sport.  I tried to like it, I did… but nothing about it interests me.  I go to high school games sometimes, and that’s okay because I know the kids down there playing, cheering, in the band.  It’s nice to see them enjoying normal high school things, especially when I so often have to hear about all the things that are wrong in their lives.  Nice to see something go well.

Last night.  I kept it together pretty well.  Had a great great time, and I’d say it went just about perfectly.  Tonight, Superbowl party at Rae’s.  I feel certain there are a few of us who could care less about the game, and I look forward to a little wine with yall.

I just wanted to post this saying happy Superbowl Sunday.  I’m going to take the kids on a picnic at Enid before the party.  I’m sure they’ll be excited to play with Rae’s kids and we’ll all get to visit tonight.  I wonder about the rest of you, my far-away friends, and how you’ll all be spending the day.  I hope you get to do what you want and you get to spend time with some of your favorite people.  And I hope it’s magical!

Crazy crazy work week.  I can’t wait until the audit is over.  We have over 2000 student records at this high school (it’s way different than Louisville High, eh?) and out of the 1000 records at the middle school, the auditor only pulled 18.  I hope it’s less than 20 here!  That would be a huge relief!

I have been spending a massive amount of time at work lately so I desperately need down time.  Yesterday I wrote a long frivilous email to a friend and watched a movie (Martian Child with John Cusack.  What I saw before I passed out from exhaustion was pretty good.).  Today, I took time out to eat raisins, drink a Dr. Pepper, and read some poetry by Alice Walker.  I love her.  So I ran across a few I thought I’d share and maybe they’ll mean something to you too:

Love is Not Concerned

love is not concerned
with whom you pray
or where you slept
the night you ran away
from home
love is concerned
that the beating of your heart
should kill no one.


When I no longer have your heart
I will not request your body
your presence
or even your polite conversation.
I will go away to a far country
separated from you by the sea
– on which I cannot walk –
and refrain from sending
describing my pain.

And there ya go.  Happy Tuesday to all of you.  We just received word that the auditor will be here for certain at 8 am.  That means I will be working late.  It’ll be over this week, what I’ve dreaded all year long!  I can’t wait for the relief.

This is different from myspace.  I can see views but I don’t know who’s out there reading… I assume it’s you regular myspace readers, but who knows?  You know you don’t have to register to comment, so someone let me know you’re there!

This year I will:

  • write a short story about zombies.
  • make every book under my roof a Finished Book – read all the ones I never finished.
  • throw away something I like.  Kill my darlings.
  • write the opening sentence of my first novel.
  • show my appreciation to those who have earned it.
  • send a letter to a mass murderer in prison.
  • write more bad poetry.
  • research law schools even though I know I’ll never go through with it.
  • choose what I would want to eat for my last meal and make it.
  • keep a better record of my dreams and try to induce more.
  • write a letter to a dictator to stop torture.
  • go 24 hours without speaking.
  • write a letter to God.
  • experience nature more, sans blackberry, mp3 player, or even book.
  • defy superstition.
  • take my facial features’ measurements and use the formula in “Homosapiens Facial Attractiveness and Sexual Selection: The Role of Symmetry and Averageness” to discover how symmetrical I am.
  • shout out my own name during sex.
  • go a week without turning the tv on.
  • break at least 5 of the Ten Commandments in one day.
  • go through with Thing-a-Day, even if I don’t post online, and not drop out!

This is kind of a bucket list for ’09, so to speak.  I’ll cross ’em off as I go.  I’ll periodically update you… so what are some of your resolutions?

Ok, so I reckon the wordpress blog is back up and running.  Ugh, I hate switching blogs.

First, I’m keeping two different journals now.  One is my personal journal and one is the journal my therapist is making me keep, my “recovery journal” which sounds totally cheesy but in fact is pretty hardcore.  I would have you all read my “real” journal before I’d select one of you to peek at my “recovery” journal.  I have to write about really painful things in there, things I don’t want to think about much less write about.  But hey, that’s EXACTLY why I’ve gone so many years and not gone to therapy – not because I thought I didn’t need it, but because I knew it would be WORK, it’d be hard work.  I know it will be worth it but until then, the pain the pain the pain.

So Marie left myspace.  I don’t understand what is up with the privacy settings; I use the new module thing, and I set all mine to private… but Michael tells me she can’t for some reason?  Either way, a myspace blog sans Marie is just not the same.  When I first came over to wordpress I caught a backlash from all my regular readers except for Marie and Amanda.  Now Michael hates myspace and everyone seems to be leaving, so okay, back to wordpress.  I can wordpress from work anyway.  The only thing I don’t like is that I always seem to THEME my wordpress blog, and when I tire of that theme I leave the blog.  So marital problems/divorce were the theme of this blog, and I hate that.  My myspace blog seems more REAL diary, plus I can lock it down to preferred list when necessary.  This is trickier.

I have several blogs stored up, things I want out there.   Amanda asked about my diagnosis and I will expound upon that later.  I also want to blog my resolutions.  I’m at work now, but another counselor has come in and I want to leave.  I like being alone at work.  I keep the lobby dark and I play music and sing while I work, talk to myself like I’m am completely and totally insane.  Lorrie is the counselor who came in.  She’s new this semester and I like her best out of the rest, but she’s still older than me.  I wish there were more people like me around here.  Anyway, she scares the shit out of me when she gets here.  See, I was going to play some music on the computer, I went to (the latest music streaming site I’m using at work since they have now blocked pandora and rhapsody, assholes), and I realize I took my speakers home for Jade over xmas.  Oh I was pissed, but I had the mp3 player.  I briefly considered “what if someone sneaks up on me?” but I can’t work without music, so an hour later I’m in here singing along with Jewel “cute boys with crew cuts and … day glow surf boooooooooooards!!!” and I get up to get some more paper out of the lobby copier and scream!!  Lorrie is right there and she scared the ever livin shit outta me.  She says, “I’ve tried to talk to you a couple times, but you were singin’…” LOL.  Hey, it could have been worse.  Once in the middle of the day Jeremy walked in with the entire FIC crew with him and I was cooking and jamming to some Regina Spektor, actually attempting the Russian part of “Apres Moi”.  You should have seen the look on Tommy’s face, almost like he was scared of me.  😛

So, as much as I love Lorrie and as much work as I need to finish, I just can’t work the same if there are people around.  I need to work out but don’t know if I want to go to the gym or M&M’s to the treadmill.  It’s so beautiful outside it’s a shame not to be in the sun working out, but SHIT it is cold, I hate it!!!!  I put some powder and eyeliner on, and nipple nibblers on the lips (a sex thing made for nipples, I put it on my lips and it has the same effect… makes the blood rush to the surface and tingle, so the lips plump and get red – gimme your address if you want me to mail you some I have plenty left over from the summer I sold it), and Jeremy asked me when I left why I looked so pretty to go to work.  It was so nice, the way he looked at me, because before that all I could see in the mirror was the dreaded uniboob … I hate the way sports bras make my chest look, like the breasts are not separated enough so everything up there is just one big lump, ugh!  So it felt nice and I said, “Awwww, you think I’m pretty?” and he says, “Yes, I do.  And I think you do too.”

“I do now.”


I want to write lately but just can’t seem to make myself.  In two weeks I’ll be moved out.  I feel lonely but oh well, that’s all just part of it.  It’s scary but staying is scarier.  This song is fitting:

A Better Wife
Erin McKeown

i’m just something else he tried
a catalogue of interests in a catalogue of lives
i hid myself from him, i wouldn’t say it was a lie
but hiding worked its way into the way we lived our lives

it was clear that he was troubled
he had trouble with his pride
but i could never tell if the fault was his or mine
so i drew myself away, i wouldn’t say i left behind
a man who would never know the man he was inside

in a moment he was gone, i could see that he had died
by the quickening of blood and the fluttering of eyes
so i held him to my breast like all the better wives
who furnish men with love and never leave their side

i’m just something else he tried
the salt that’s left behind after tears have dried
and I suppose that i’ll go on, after all it was my life
and all that i supposed i held has come to be untied 

I started two different blogs earlier.  First, I have a lot to say about Sarah Palin.  As a woman, as a voter, as an American, an intellectual… there is just a lot to say.  I will try to have that done by the end of the weekend, but for now I just have so much more on my mind.

So I started another one, about being burned, losing a friend (no one any of you know, an old friend, I’ll explain later).  But I didn’t want to post another rant.

So I got to thinking, about how in the very near future I’m going to be pretty vulnerable and I’m going to need to learn how to protect myself from the people who will prey on that.  A certain poem started running through my mind while talking to a man tonight.  Not just any poem… since about 1998, if you asked me what my favorite poem of all time is, I would give you this one answer.  I need to repeat it again and again to myself in the upcoming months.  I hope it might be helpful to some of you as well:

Never Offer Your Heart to Someone Who Eats Hearts

by Alice Walker 

Never offer your heart 
to someone who eats hearts 
who finds heartmeat 
but not rare 
who sucks the juices 
drop by drop 
and bloody-chinned 
like a God. 

Never offer your heart 
to a heart gravy lover. 
Your stewed, overseasoned 
heart consumed 
he will sop up your grief 
with bread 
and send it shuttling 
from side to side 
in his mouth 
like bubblegum. 

If you find yourself 
in love 
with a person 
who eats hearts 
these things 
you must do. 

Freeze your heart 
Let him—next time 
he examines your chest— 
find your heart cold 
flinty and unappetizing. 

Refrain from kissing 
lest he in revenge 
dampen the spark 
in your soul. 

sail away to Africa 
where holy women 
await you 
on the shore— 
long having practiced the art 
of replacing hearts 
with God and Song.