Never was a Cornflake Girl…

Emotional Commotion

Posted on: August 30, 2008

This week has been quite a rollercoaster of emotions, obviously.  Never once has my mind changed or have I started to become unsure that I’m doing the right thing.

But I’ve taken some blows, that’s for sure.  My parents said they supported me, they wanted me to leave if that’s what I wanted to do, etc.  That was earlier in the week.  After coming up and visiting for a night, all of a sudden they both think I’m being selfish and not putting my kids first.  They think I should use the breathalyzer on Jeremy every day when he gets home and if he’s been drinking, he has to go stay somewhere else.  Thats’ supposed to keep him sober, and then we should be able to make it.  Right??  What is so wrong with that?

Well I don’t think that sounds healthy at all.  I think it’s pretty sick and I don’t want to make it work even if he DOES stay sober, I want out.  I don’t think that is unreasonable, given what I’ve been through.  I don’t think I’m fucking the kids up.  I think our marriage is less important to my kids than our relationship.  I think we’ll have a better, stronger, healthier relationship if we don’t have to live together and be married.  And the kids will see that, and they’ll be happier too.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I think I’m more qualified to decide what’s best for my kids than anyone else.  It does hurt to go forward without their support though.

Anyway, I woke up, cried, got sick, got mad, cried… and decided to follow up on that lead on the rental in Eudora.  Jesus H. Christ, that was the nastiest, filthiest place I could imagine living.  I told the man it wouldn’t work and explained what I was looking for.  He gave me (shitty) directions to another property he rented that might be more suitable.  After getting M&M to direct me out to this place out in the middle of NOWHERE, I wound up being disappointed – and a little more than insulted that he thought for one second I would live in something like that.  Ugh…

I had given up.  Distraught and defeated, I drove to Michael’s and got a pep talk that convinced me to make just one more phone call for today.  I mean, I gotta keep pressing on.  The only other option is to accept defeat and stay in my disfunctional marriage (and sadly that was looking like an option).

The phone call was pure kismit.  The lady who answered told me her house was rented already, but that her cousin had a place that would be perfect for me.  She described the absolute perfect situation for me and the kids, but it was in Hernando and the price was way too steep.  But we talked anyway.  The woman and I shared the same hairdresser, her cousin works with one of my bffs, her kids graduated from the high school where I work.  So even though I told her I could never afford it, she told me to call her cousin anyway.  I didn’t, and a few minutes later my phone rang.  She had spoken to her cousin and they want to meet me and negotiate a price on the rent.  So I’m supposed to meet them and see the place Monday!

I still don’t know if I’ll be able to afford it, but I’m sure going to crunch some numbers between now and then.  It’s a great location, perfect size, covered porches, yard, three bedrooms.  The lady’s niece lives next door and has kids Jade and Nate’s ages.  And it’s just a couple miles from where my bffs are thinking of moving.  All of it just seems like fate.

So I’ve come a long way from this morning and I’m feeling better.  I’m still scared and it’s still hard.  Now it’s even more terrifying and harder, knowing that I’m doing this without my parents’ help or support.  But I know that I have yall’s support and I appreciate that!!  Without that, I honestly don’t know if I would still be alive and breathing this afternoon, I’m serious.

And a special thank you to all of you who have emailed me your own personal stories.  You’ve made me feel like I’m not alone in this, and you’ve inspired me.  I think to myself that if you could do it, maybe I can do it too.  So I’m still going through with everything and I hope everyone is behind me on this.

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8 Responses to "Emotional Commotion"

I’m sorry that you and Jeremy are getting a divorce but from everything that you have said, I think that it is a good decision. I’m really sorry that your parents feel that way. I don’t understand at all. I do not think that you should have to put yourself or the kids through a situation that is not healthy for anyone. You should not have to use a breathalyzer on him everyday and hope he hasn’t been drinking. That is no way to go through life. I think that your decison to get out is completely putting your kids first. YOU know what is best for your own children. My parents divorced before I was 1 and I’m not messed up. As long as Jade and Nate have love from both you and Jeremy, they will be fine. You and kids deserve to be happy. I am confident that things will work out for you. Stay strong. I love you.

i think your parents will come around… and as far as your kids go you are the ONLY person in the world qualified to make those kinds of decisions for them as much as your parents love them they are still your children and will be much happier with one parent and stability then two and a whole lotta crazy….. as far as finding a place to live goes it will all work it’s self out trust me i’m doing the same thing myself having to find something i can afford it sux but thats the way it goes…. life isn’t always easy if it was then we would bitch about that too…. i know this is cliche but i can’t tell you how much i truly believe it what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger….

Who cares is everyone is behind you on this? You can’t play mama cop to your husband. That is degrading to you and demoralizing to him. My friend Lisa divorced her husband 14 years ago. She and her ex remain good friends to this day. They have 2 children–a freshman in high school and a freshman in college. Both are happy, beautiful people.

What can you live with? I went through this with Todd about a year ago. I had to learn to see him for who he was. Things are much better today, but I decided that none of Todd’s behaviors were things that I absolutely couldn’t live with. I am pleased with my choice. I did not base my decision on what would make me happy at the time because happiness comes and goes. Actually, Todd has very little to do with my own personal joy anyway.

I think that you can do whatever you set your mind to, and I wish you the best.

Oh yeah, and I’ll see you tonight!

I absolutely support you and agree with whoever said that your parents will come around. I’m sure the two of them will too. They just don’t wanna see you “get in over your head.” REGARDLESS, you should not be forced to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy. I’m so glad you said that no one knows what’s better for your kids than YOU!! I think that Nate and Jade will be fine. It’s not as if they don’t have a strong “familial” unit which also includes the two of us (M&M). They will be fine. Just don’t sacrifice your life for absurd reasons like so many of our other friends make. Rae said it best too… she realized that the things that bothered her about Todd were NOT things that she couldn’t get over. Yours is different and given all you’ve said… I don’t see you ever getting over it. You have always been formidable and strong. Call it fate, but yesterday, you went from deolate po-dunk deliverance to possibly renting from one of the 5 most powerful people in the county. That’s a dramatic turn around. LOL It’s all gonna work out… every little thing WILL be ok.

Oh yeah… WTF are you and Rae doing tonight and not telling me about?? LOL Just kidding. Do let me know if y’all are all doing something cool though.

Members’ night @ the zoo, Michael…I know you are always so hip to family fun. LOL!

Well, on the bright side, tim and i are planning on going to alabama and get married friday. no one knows but my sis and his mom, and neither of us really give a shit that my family doesn’t like a smart-ass cop, 12 years older than me, who has already been married twice and has a 15 year old daughter. We already know that they will do nothing to help us, and will only raise hell that i am quitting my job without another one, and moving 2 1/2 hours away to live with him at PARCHMAN….The moral of the story is, do what makes you happy, you are the only one that has to live with your decisions. Twice in my life I have made major decisions based on what my family wants and says i need to do, and later completely regretted not living my own life and doing what i wanted to for myself. I may be fucking up, but at least
I am doing it on my own.

Good for you, Jamie! Good luck and congratulations to you and your fiance! I think that’s exciting… fuck anyone who makes you feel otherwise!

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