Never was a Cornflake Girl…

Archive for January 2009

Crazy crazy work week.  I can’t wait until the audit is over.  We have over 2000 student records at this high school (it’s way different than Louisville High, eh?) and out of the 1000 records at the middle school, the auditor only pulled 18.  I hope it’s less than 20 here!  That would be a huge relief!

I have been spending a massive amount of time at work lately so I desperately need down time.  Yesterday I wrote a long frivilous email to a friend and watched a movie (Martian Child with John Cusack.  What I saw before I passed out from exhaustion was pretty good.).  Today, I took time out to eat raisins, drink a Dr. Pepper, and read some poetry by Alice Walker.  I love her.  So I ran across a few I thought I’d share and maybe they’ll mean something to you too:

Love is Not Concerned

love is not concerned
with whom you pray
or where you slept
the night you ran away
from home
love is concerned
that the beating of your heart
should kill no one.


When I no longer have your heart
I will not request your body
your presence
or even your polite conversation.
I will go away to a far country
separated from you by the sea
– on which I cannot walk –
and refrain from sending
describing my pain.

And there ya go.  Happy Tuesday to all of you.  We just received word that the auditor will be here for certain at 8 am.  That means I will be working late.  It’ll be over this week, what I’ve dreaded all year long!  I can’t wait for the relief.

This is different from myspace.  I can see views but I don’t know who’s out there reading… I assume it’s you regular myspace readers, but who knows?  You know you don’t have to register to comment, so someone let me know you’re there!

This year I will:

  • write a short story about zombies.
  • make every book under my roof a Finished Book – read all the ones I never finished.
  • throw away something I like.  Kill my darlings.
  • write the opening sentence of my first novel.
  • show my appreciation to those who have earned it.
  • send a letter to a mass murderer in prison.
  • write more bad poetry.
  • research law schools even though I know I’ll never go through with it.
  • choose what I would want to eat for my last meal and make it.
  • keep a better record of my dreams and try to induce more.
  • write a letter to a dictator to stop torture.
  • go 24 hours without speaking.
  • write a letter to God.
  • experience nature more, sans blackberry, mp3 player, or even book.
  • defy superstition.
  • take my facial features’ measurements and use the formula in “Homosapiens Facial Attractiveness and Sexual Selection: The Role of Symmetry and Averageness” to discover how symmetrical I am.
  • shout out my own name during sex.
  • go a week without turning the tv on.
  • break at least 5 of the Ten Commandments in one day.
  • go through with Thing-a-Day, even if I don’t post online, and not drop out!

This is kind of a bucket list for ’09, so to speak.  I’ll cross ’em off as I go.  I’ll periodically update you… so what are some of your resolutions?

Ok, so I reckon the wordpress blog is back up and running.  Ugh, I hate switching blogs.

First, I’m keeping two different journals now.  One is my personal journal and one is the journal my therapist is making me keep, my “recovery journal” which sounds totally cheesy but in fact is pretty hardcore.  I would have you all read my “real” journal before I’d select one of you to peek at my “recovery” journal.  I have to write about really painful things in there, things I don’t want to think about much less write about.  But hey, that’s EXACTLY why I’ve gone so many years and not gone to therapy – not because I thought I didn’t need it, but because I knew it would be WORK, it’d be hard work.  I know it will be worth it but until then, the pain the pain the pain.

So Marie left myspace.  I don’t understand what is up with the privacy settings; I use the new module thing, and I set all mine to private… but Michael tells me she can’t for some reason?  Either way, a myspace blog sans Marie is just not the same.  When I first came over to wordpress I caught a backlash from all my regular readers except for Marie and Amanda.  Now Michael hates myspace and everyone seems to be leaving, so okay, back to wordpress.  I can wordpress from work anyway.  The only thing I don’t like is that I always seem to THEME my wordpress blog, and when I tire of that theme I leave the blog.  So marital problems/divorce were the theme of this blog, and I hate that.  My myspace blog seems more REAL diary, plus I can lock it down to preferred list when necessary.  This is trickier.

I have several blogs stored up, things I want out there.   Amanda asked about my diagnosis and I will expound upon that later.  I also want to blog my resolutions.  I’m at work now, but another counselor has come in and I want to leave.  I like being alone at work.  I keep the lobby dark and I play music and sing while I work, talk to myself like I’m am completely and totally insane.  Lorrie is the counselor who came in.  She’s new this semester and I like her best out of the rest, but she’s still older than me.  I wish there were more people like me around here.  Anyway, she scares the shit out of me when she gets here.  See, I was going to play some music on the computer, I went to (the latest music streaming site I’m using at work since they have now blocked pandora and rhapsody, assholes), and I realize I took my speakers home for Jade over xmas.  Oh I was pissed, but I had the mp3 player.  I briefly considered “what if someone sneaks up on me?” but I can’t work without music, so an hour later I’m in here singing along with Jewel “cute boys with crew cuts and … day glow surf boooooooooooards!!!” and I get up to get some more paper out of the lobby copier and scream!!  Lorrie is right there and she scared the ever livin shit outta me.  She says, “I’ve tried to talk to you a couple times, but you were singin’…” LOL.  Hey, it could have been worse.  Once in the middle of the day Jeremy walked in with the entire FIC crew with him and I was cooking and jamming to some Regina Spektor, actually attempting the Russian part of “Apres Moi”.  You should have seen the look on Tommy’s face, almost like he was scared of me.  😛

So, as much as I love Lorrie and as much work as I need to finish, I just can’t work the same if there are people around.  I need to work out but don’t know if I want to go to the gym or M&M’s to the treadmill.  It’s so beautiful outside it’s a shame not to be in the sun working out, but SHIT it is cold, I hate it!!!!  I put some powder and eyeliner on, and nipple nibblers on the lips (a sex thing made for nipples, I put it on my lips and it has the same effect… makes the blood rush to the surface and tingle, so the lips plump and get red – gimme your address if you want me to mail you some I have plenty left over from the summer I sold it), and Jeremy asked me when I left why I looked so pretty to go to work.  It was so nice, the way he looked at me, because before that all I could see in the mirror was the dreaded uniboob … I hate the way sports bras make my chest look, like the breasts are not separated enough so everything up there is just one big lump, ugh!  So it felt nice and I said, “Awwww, you think I’m pretty?” and he says, “Yes, I do.  And I think you do too.”

“I do now.”