Never was a Cornflake Girl…

Archive for the ‘Music’ Category

I went to Earnestine and Hazel’s last night.  It is without a doubt my favorite dive in Memphis.  I regret not taking Amanda when she was up there.  They have the BEST jukebox in the city, lots of blues, soul, motown, old school rock, of course Elvis and The Beatles.  I love their jukebox and they sell Red Stripe.  What more could you want??

So I go to the jukebox to add something to the queue.  It’s broken.  Well, it’ll play but you can’t see what you’re playing, you can’t shuffle through the music.  So I just start putting in numbers.

Very first one I put on, I put my “favorite” number, if I can be said to have a favorite, and that’s 22.  My friend in high school, Tron, he always said there was something special about the number 2 (it was his jersey number).  It’s also my birthday and growing up, two of my bffs were also born on the 22nd.  So I put in 22 for the cd number and then I have to pick a track.  I’ve always had this thing, ever since cds were available to middle class kids like me, about #7 on a cd.  I just noticed pretty quickly that I always liked track 7.  So I type in “2207“.  I put in a couple other random numbers and then the bartender, a cool older woman who loves to sing and dance, yells out to me, “Hey, I know that jukebox.  Whatcha wanna hear, I may know it.”

I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to hear.  “Etta James,” I said.  She nodded.  “Good choice, I know that cd.  What song you wanna hear?”  I knew the exact song I had in mind as well.  It’s sexy and it reminds me of Earnestine and Hazel’s and my favorite fantasy that is set there.  “You Can Leave Your Hat On,” I replied, hoping she’d know it but doubting her memory.  I shouldn’t have.  She rolled off the number right away.  “Twenty-two oh-seven.”  She said.

Well I’ll be damned.

You Can Leave Your Hat On by Etta James

Click the link to listen, if you like.

Ok, so I reckon the wordpress blog is back up and running.  Ugh, I hate switching blogs.

First, I’m keeping two different journals now.  One is my personal journal and one is the journal my therapist is making me keep, my “recovery journal” which sounds totally cheesy but in fact is pretty hardcore.  I would have you all read my “real” journal before I’d select one of you to peek at my “recovery” journal.  I have to write about really painful things in there, things I don’t want to think about much less write about.  But hey, that’s EXACTLY why I’ve gone so many years and not gone to therapy – not because I thought I didn’t need it, but because I knew it would be WORK, it’d be hard work.  I know it will be worth it but until then, the pain the pain the pain.

So Marie left myspace.  I don’t understand what is up with the privacy settings; I use the new module thing, and I set all mine to private… but Michael tells me she can’t for some reason?  Either way, a myspace blog sans Marie is just not the same.  When I first came over to wordpress I caught a backlash from all my regular readers except for Marie and Amanda.  Now Michael hates myspace and everyone seems to be leaving, so okay, back to wordpress.  I can wordpress from work anyway.  The only thing I don’t like is that I always seem to THEME my wordpress blog, and when I tire of that theme I leave the blog.  So marital problems/divorce were the theme of this blog, and I hate that.  My myspace blog seems more REAL diary, plus I can lock it down to preferred list when necessary.  This is trickier.

I have several blogs stored up, things I want out there.   Amanda asked about my diagnosis and I will expound upon that later.  I also want to blog my resolutions.  I’m at work now, but another counselor has come in and I want to leave.  I like being alone at work.  I keep the lobby dark and I play music and sing while I work, talk to myself like I’m am completely and totally insane.  Lorrie is the counselor who came in.  She’s new this semester and I like her best out of the rest, but she’s still older than me.  I wish there were more people like me around here.  Anyway, she scares the shit out of me when she gets here.  See, I was going to play some music on the computer, I went to (the latest music streaming site I’m using at work since they have now blocked pandora and rhapsody, assholes), and I realize I took my speakers home for Jade over xmas.  Oh I was pissed, but I had the mp3 player.  I briefly considered “what if someone sneaks up on me?” but I can’t work without music, so an hour later I’m in here singing along with Jewel “cute boys with crew cuts and … day glow surf boooooooooooards!!!” and I get up to get some more paper out of the lobby copier and scream!!  Lorrie is right there and she scared the ever livin shit outta me.  She says, “I’ve tried to talk to you a couple times, but you were singin’…” LOL.  Hey, it could have been worse.  Once in the middle of the day Jeremy walked in with the entire FIC crew with him and I was cooking and jamming to some Regina Spektor, actually attempting the Russian part of “Apres Moi”.  You should have seen the look on Tommy’s face, almost like he was scared of me.  😛

So, as much as I love Lorrie and as much work as I need to finish, I just can’t work the same if there are people around.  I need to work out but don’t know if I want to go to the gym or M&M’s to the treadmill.  It’s so beautiful outside it’s a shame not to be in the sun working out, but SHIT it is cold, I hate it!!!!  I put some powder and eyeliner on, and nipple nibblers on the lips (a sex thing made for nipples, I put it on my lips and it has the same effect… makes the blood rush to the surface and tingle, so the lips plump and get red – gimme your address if you want me to mail you some I have plenty left over from the summer I sold it), and Jeremy asked me when I left why I looked so pretty to go to work.  It was so nice, the way he looked at me, because before that all I could see in the mirror was the dreaded uniboob … I hate the way sports bras make my chest look, like the breasts are not separated enough so everything up there is just one big lump, ugh!  So it felt nice and I said, “Awwww, you think I’m pretty?” and he says, “Yes, I do.  And I think you do too.”

“I do now.”


I want to write lately but just can’t seem to make myself.  In two weeks I’ll be moved out.  I feel lonely but oh well, that’s all just part of it.  It’s scary but staying is scarier.  This song is fitting:

A Better Wife
Erin McKeown

i’m just something else he tried
a catalogue of interests in a catalogue of lives
i hid myself from him, i wouldn’t say it was a lie
but hiding worked its way into the way we lived our lives

it was clear that he was troubled
he had trouble with his pride
but i could never tell if the fault was his or mine
so i drew myself away, i wouldn’t say i left behind
a man who would never know the man he was inside

in a moment he was gone, i could see that he had died
by the quickening of blood and the fluttering of eyes
so i held him to my breast like all the better wives
who furnish men with love and never leave their side

i’m just something else he tried
the salt that’s left behind after tears have dried
and I suppose that i’ll go on, after all it was my life
and all that i supposed i held has come to be untied