Never was a Cornflake Girl…

Posts Tagged ‘alcoholism

I feel so … weird.  It’s odd, I remember before all this happened, on Monday, I got this feeling in my stomach.  And I was sitting in my office with the door shut, eating some nabs and chatting with Misty when I just out of the blue voiced what my stomach had felt all morning long, “I feel an impending sense of doom.”  Misty looked taken aback, and she hesitated before responding with, “Wow.  That’s not good.  What makes you say that??”

I shrugged.  I didn’t know, really.  It was just this strong feeling in the pit of my stomach.  As I very often do, I really opened my mouth and said it without thinking.  I didn’t consider my words or carefully select the word “doom”.  But as I sat there swiveling in my chair I mulled over what I had just blurted out and decided that no matter how hastily the word may have been chosen, it was certainly the most fitting description of the feeling in my belly.

Then Monday night all this shit hit the fan.  The bubble that started expanding years ago finally burst.

Now the feeling in my belly is stronger, it’s so strong I can’t eat.  I would expect to feel shitty right now, to feel scared and alone.  But it is stronger than those words alone, and it is really impossible to describe.  First, the sense of doom didn’t dissapate when this all happened, there was no relief… it just got stronger.  Add on to it that I feel terrified – not scared, but literally terrified.  Guilty, nervous, anxious, and powerless.  Weak, stupid, played, pissed.  Betrayed.  Sad.

But I also feel hopeful and optimistic.  The good feelings I have are much weaker than the bad feelings, so instead of allowing me to to actually feel good in any way, they just help me feel a little bit less bad.  If I can hang onto them.  Sometimes I can’t.  Sometimes I think I’m okay, and I’m truly feeling better and the next thing I know tears are stinging my eyes and I have to grip the edge of my desk and try like hell to keep it all together.

Let me tell you what has helped more than anything: all of you.  I know it sounds like just words, but when I say this I really really FEEL it – the comments yall have made, they become my mantra sometimes when I’m holding back a floodgate of tears at work.  The text messages have always seemed to come at just the right time.  The myspace statuses (stati?) directed toward me have made me smile.  You just don’t know how much I really NEED your support and to know that I have it is just like my net below this death-defyingly high tightrope marriage I just fell out of.  I have some pretty fucking great friends, so I believe Bob Marley – every little thing is going to be alright, no matter what my belly thinks.

And man, I knew some of you were going to help me.  But I had NO IDEA the things you would say would help as much as they have.  When Marie countered my “what’s going to happen to him if I leave?” with “what’s going to happen if you stay?”, man that really made me think.  It made me doubt myself much less, it gave me strength.  And Kristin – WOW – I knew you had been there, but the whole “you can’t keep rearranging the furniture in a house that’s on fire” line… I have heard that before, but it has never so accurately described a situation in which I’m personally involved.  But when you said that being a good person deep down isn’t good enough when you’re hurting everyone around you… THAT was another one of those times that just immediately made me think, “Damn, I am so glad I posted this blog — I needed to hear that.”

I repeated several of all of your words of wisdom to the counselors at work who are walking me through this, and they replied with low whistles… “Man,” one of them said, “that is good.”  They know I have some great friends.

Some of you offered spiritual-esque wishes, or the antithesis of such… one person messaged me on myspace telling me she was praying for me and that Jesus one day would indeed wipe away my tears, and of course Michael’s proud atheist ass told me there’s no heaven so get moving on this life.  Strangely, both comforted me immensely for different reasons.  Mostly, I am just so grateful for yall throwing your love my way and allowing me to use it to wash off some of the betrayal I’ve felt.

So, for an update.  I am trying to get Jeremy to consider going into rehab for a few weeks and when he goes out, I think he should enlist in the military.  The pay is good and while he’s getting paid he will have no bills.  He is in zero debt – all the debt is in my name.  All he’d have to do is support his kids and save to build a life for himself.  The housing, clothing, and medical care are all provided.  He could buy a house when he gets out, on the GI Bill.  The kids could get college scholarships, and he’d have a life insurance policy for them.

He is so fucking mad that I even suggested that.  I also found some garage apartments he could rent and stay around here.  He could afford them.  I don’t know how that’s going to help build a new life, but hey that’s his choice.

And I got some really exciting news for me too!!  I found a 3 bedroom trailer for rent on a private acre in Eudora for only $450 a month!!  That’s Frayser prices, without the 99% chance of getting my honky cracker ass raped or shot.  I’m supposed to call them back about it at 8:30 and I just realized it’s past that, so I’m gonna get to it!  But I know it’s still available!

HELLO FREEDOM!!  (That’s the excitement talking.  Trying to stifle the fear…)

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