Never was a Cornflake Girl…

Posts Tagged ‘Marriage

Superbowl Sunday has always been an okay day for me.  I think it’s because I remember many many years ago that Superbowl Sunday was the day I learned I could have an orgasm with a man.  You girls totally know what I’m talking about.  Like, when you started having sex, wasn’t it like you could enjoy sex, but you only got off masturbating?  I’m sure this is not just me, because I know some people it takes much much longer to be able to get off with their boyfriends/husbands.

I learned this when I was pretty young I guess, I dunno.  I don’t what age a person “should” learn things.  But ever since then, nothing can really get me down around Superbowl Sunday.  In college I remember driving back up to Louisville from Decatur to party with Jeff E. on SS and we shot tequila at his uncle’s.  Chris McMullen was there.  And no one from EC was… it was like a nice little break from EC drama and madness.  Another good SS memory.

I hate football.  And pretty much like every other televised sport.  I tried to like it, I did… but nothing about it interests me.  I go to high school games sometimes, and that’s okay because I know the kids down there playing, cheering, in the band.  It’s nice to see them enjoying normal high school things, especially when I so often have to hear about all the things that are wrong in their lives.  Nice to see something go well.

Last night.  I kept it together pretty well.  Had a great great time, and I’d say it went just about perfectly.  Tonight, Superbowl party at Rae’s.  I feel certain there are a few of us who could care less about the game, and I look forward to a little wine with yall.

I just wanted to post this saying happy Superbowl Sunday.  I’m going to take the kids on a picnic at Enid before the party.  I’m sure they’ll be excited to play with Rae’s kids and we’ll all get to visit tonight.  I wonder about the rest of you, my far-away friends, and how you’ll all be spending the day.  I hope you get to do what you want and you get to spend time with some of your favorite people.  And I hope it’s magical!

I want to write lately but just can’t seem to make myself.  In two weeks I’ll be moved out.  I feel lonely but oh well, that’s all just part of it.  It’s scary but staying is scarier.  This song is fitting:

A Better Wife
Erin McKeown

i’m just something else he tried
a catalogue of interests in a catalogue of lives
i hid myself from him, i wouldn’t say it was a lie
but hiding worked its way into the way we lived our lives

it was clear that he was troubled
he had trouble with his pride
but i could never tell if the fault was his or mine
so i drew myself away, i wouldn’t say i left behind
a man who would never know the man he was inside

in a moment he was gone, i could see that he had died
by the quickening of blood and the fluttering of eyes
so i held him to my breast like all the better wives
who furnish men with love and never leave their side

i’m just something else he tried
the salt that’s left behind after tears have dried
and I suppose that i’ll go on, after all it was my life
and all that i supposed i held has come to be untied 

This week has been quite a rollercoaster of emotions, obviously.  Never once has my mind changed or have I started to become unsure that I’m doing the right thing.

But I’ve taken some blows, that’s for sure.  My parents said they supported me, they wanted me to leave if that’s what I wanted to do, etc.  That was earlier in the week.  After coming up and visiting for a night, all of a sudden they both think I’m being selfish and not putting my kids first.  They think I should use the breathalyzer on Jeremy every day when he gets home and if he’s been drinking, he has to go stay somewhere else.  Thats’ supposed to keep him sober, and then we should be able to make it.  Right??  What is so wrong with that?

Well I don’t think that sounds healthy at all.  I think it’s pretty sick and I don’t want to make it work even if he DOES stay sober, I want out.  I don’t think that is unreasonable, given what I’ve been through.  I don’t think I’m fucking the kids up.  I think our marriage is less important to my kids than our relationship.  I think we’ll have a better, stronger, healthier relationship if we don’t have to live together and be married.  And the kids will see that, and they’ll be happier too.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I think I’m more qualified to decide what’s best for my kids than anyone else.  It does hurt to go forward without their support though.

Anyway, I woke up, cried, got sick, got mad, cried… and decided to follow up on that lead on the rental in Eudora.  Jesus H. Christ, that was the nastiest, filthiest place I could imagine living.  I told the man it wouldn’t work and explained what I was looking for.  He gave me (shitty) directions to another property he rented that might be more suitable.  After getting M&M to direct me out to this place out in the middle of NOWHERE, I wound up being disappointed – and a little more than insulted that he thought for one second I would live in something like that.  Ugh…

I had given up.  Distraught and defeated, I drove to Michael’s and got a pep talk that convinced me to make just one more phone call for today.  I mean, I gotta keep pressing on.  The only other option is to accept defeat and stay in my disfunctional marriage (and sadly that was looking like an option).

The phone call was pure kismit.  The lady who answered told me her house was rented already, but that her cousin had a place that would be perfect for me.  She described the absolute perfect situation for me and the kids, but it was in Hernando and the price was way too steep.  But we talked anyway.  The woman and I shared the same hairdresser, her cousin works with one of my bffs, her kids graduated from the high school where I work.  So even though I told her I could never afford it, she told me to call her cousin anyway.  I didn’t, and a few minutes later my phone rang.  She had spoken to her cousin and they want to meet me and negotiate a price on the rent.  So I’m supposed to meet them and see the place Monday!

I still don’t know if I’ll be able to afford it, but I’m sure going to crunch some numbers between now and then.  It’s a great location, perfect size, covered porches, yard, three bedrooms.  The lady’s niece lives next door and has kids Jade and Nate’s ages.  And it’s just a couple miles from where my bffs are thinking of moving.  All of it just seems like fate.

So I’ve come a long way from this morning and I’m feeling better.  I’m still scared and it’s still hard.  Now it’s even more terrifying and harder, knowing that I’m doing this without my parents’ help or support.  But I know that I have yall’s support and I appreciate that!!  Without that, I honestly don’t know if I would still be alive and breathing this afternoon, I’m serious.

And a special thank you to all of you who have emailed me your own personal stories.  You’ve made me feel like I’m not alone in this, and you’ve inspired me.  I think to myself that if you could do it, maybe I can do it too.  So I’m still going through with everything and I hope everyone is behind me on this.